Saturday, March 26, 2016

JM - 22

Praying for death again.  This happens when my life becomes shittier than usual.

My early AA training brought me back to some simple prayer each night.  I say the Lord's Prayer.  And AA's third step prayer.  Plus a little prayer of my own: "I love You, I thank You, I trust You."  But I can't really trust anybody.  Situations occur in which it would seem provident to trust.  Most often, though, not.

In AA I found a way to quiet "the committee" in my head: I simply repeat prayer over and over and over to drown out "the committee."  It worked great and my life improved considerably, mostly because I wasn't drinking.  I remember sitting in AA meetings and talking about when I hit bottom, I prayed for death.  It wasn't supposed to happen anymore.

Unfortunately, my mother's needs destroyed the life I had built in AA and turned me back into a resentful animal.  It was very difficult to care for her because she didn't do much to care for me as a child. I still stay sober through prayer, but my life has deteriorated considerably.  To be blunt, I want out.  I can't off myself until after November or my life insurance won't pay face value, only refund premiums.  So when it gets this bad, I ask to be taken, repeatedly.  Again, this repetition drowns out other stuff.

I feel obligated to no one but Charlie.  I would love to find a good home for him before I die.  But if I die in my sleep or of a heart attack or whatever, I won't have any say over what happens to Charlie.  I figure if I trust the Lord enough to take me, then I trust Him to take care of Charlie.  I also don't care if my ultimate destination is hell.  I'm already living there. 

If I survive past November, then I can make arrangements for Charlie before I punch out.

My life is shit and has been shit for so long that I'm getting used to the taste of shit sandwiches.  I'm tired of busting my ass to make ends meet.  I sink further and further into debt because my income is fixed, but all other costs are rising.  I can find no employment that I'm suited to.  Fuck, I'm a physical wreck.  64 years old, half blind, serious mental health issues, serious digestive tract issues, serious arthritis, and, thanks to my idiocy, serious kidney disease.  In fact, all of my health problems are self-inflicted.  It's obvious I hate myself, hurting myself repeatedly.

I just can't handle life on these terms.  When I was working in landscape, I was one of the happiest people on earth.  I loved the hard labor.  It was all part of the new life I had built in AA.

That life is gone now, shattered into a million pieces.  I hang on, but it just gets worse and worse.  If I survive into old age, I have no children to take care of me.  My family is dead.  And if there is half a chance of seeing them again in an afterlife, I'll go for it.   As dysfunctional as my family was, I miss them terribly.  Not a day goes by that I don't shed tears for them.

So, I'll continue to pray for death.  It's the only option I have left.  And if it gets much worse, fuck the life insurance and I'll check out.  I don't need an obituary or funeral or showing of any kind.  Just cremate me and toss the ashes.  My depression deepens and won't let up.  And my psychiatrist, the one person I felt bonded to concerning my mental illness, is retiring.

Please, Mr. Death, visit me.

2 comments:

OrbsCorbs said...

It must have been expensive to replace all the guitars and other musical instruments that The Who destroyed at their performances.

Tricky Dicky said...

Japanese Elderly Commit Crimes Hoping to Get into Prison! Retail Spending Plunges; About that Deflation!

Despite overwhelming fears of deflation in Japan by economists, by the Bank of Japan, and by prime minister Shinzō Abe, all of the preceding forgot to get the opinion of consumers.

Here’s the real deal on alleged deflation: An increasing number of Japanese elderly are repeat shoplifters, trying to get caught, hoping to be rewarded with a two year prison sentence because they cannot get by on government pensions.

Japan’s prison system is being driven to budgetary crisis by demographics, a welfare shortfall and a new, pernicious breed of villain: the recidivist retiree. And the silver-haired crooks, say academics, are desperate to be behind bars.

Crime figures show that about 35 per cent of shoplifting offences are committed by people over 60. Within that age bracket, 40 per cent of repeat offenders have committed the same crime more than six times.

There is good reason, concludes a report, to suspect that the shoplifting crime wave in particular represents an attempt by those convicted to end up in prison — an institution that offers free food, accommodation and healthcare.

The Vapors - Turning Japanese

Even tho the song fits, I do think that the song is actually about Masturbation....