3/19/2003
and I am all broken up inside and I have always been broken
up inside and most importantly I will always be broken up inside so I resent it
when the doctors try to “fix” me and the people say things like, “Don’t be
sad. Things will get better.” or “Why
are you like that?” because this is who I am, this is not some choice I made or
some switch that was thrown this is the way it is for me is the way it always
has been ever since I can remember and it is judgmental and arrogant to suggest
that something is “wrong” with me or should be changed or cured or healed, it
is astonishingly prideful and self-centered to assume that the way you are is
the way someone else should be yet there are thousands of doctors and social
workers and enforcement agencies and spiritual advisors and counselors and
whatever set up to do just that, thousands of self-appointed arbiters who
demand to effect change upon others because they do not conform, because they
are reminders of failure, because they cause pangs of conscience, no one would
expect a flower to transform into an animal, a tree into a car, the sky into
water, yet many persons are expected even required to attempt to change
themselves into what they are not, into some poorly formatted human that
wanders oblivious and wonders not, you cannot know my experience you do not
know it you cannot even approach it you have no idea what it is like so how
dare you, this is not self-pity this is not shame or remorse or fear, I abide
by all rules and regulations, I break no laws, yet I am assaulted daily,
insulted and ridiculed in an attempt to transform who I am into what is not, or
maybe even just disappear
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