and I am all broken up inside

3/19/2003

and I am all broken up inside and I have always been broken up inside and most importantly I will always be broken up inside so I resent it when the doctors try to “fix” me and the people say things like, “Don’t be sad.  Things will get better.” or “Why are you like that?” because this is who I am, this is not some choice I made or some switch that was thrown this is the way it is for me is the way it always has been ever since I can remember and it is judgmental and arrogant to suggest that something is “wrong” with me or should be changed or cured or healed, it is astonishingly prideful and self-centered to assume that the way you are is the way someone else should be yet there are thousands of doctors and social workers and enforcement agencies and spiritual advisors and counselors and whatever set up to do just that, thousands of self-appointed arbiters who demand to effect change upon others because they do not conform, because they are reminders of failure, because they cause pangs of conscience, no one would expect a flower to transform into an animal, a tree into a car, the sky into water, yet many persons are expected even required to attempt to change themselves into what they are not, into some poorly formatted human that wanders oblivious and wonders not, you cannot know my experience you do not know it you cannot even approach it you have no idea what it is like so how dare you, this is not self-pity this is not shame or remorse or fear, I abide by all rules and regulations, I break no laws, yet I am assaulted daily, insulted and ridiculed in an attempt to transform who I am into what is not, or maybe even just disappear