Monday, June 8, 2015

Only Four More Years to Top Ten Citihood

Racine's once vibrant blogging community seems to be "sunsetting," as more and more blogs stop publishing. This can mean only one thing: the Ten-Year Plan is working and bloggers have less and less to bitch about.  Thank you, lying John, for your efforts.

Personally, I can barely wait.  I'm not exactly sure what Top Ten Citihood  entails, but I'm sure I'll recognize it once I see it.  In less than four years, Racine will be up there competing with Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, etc.  Our "City by the Lake" will see skyrocketing home values and jobs popping up everywhere.

Lying John and his whole gang should be thanked.  Thank you, guys and gals. who tax our money to protect us from spending it foolishly.

I have a vision: a huge bronze statue of Dickert with one foot planted at the end of each pier, thus creating an archway for boat traffic, like the Colossus of Rhodes.  We could name it, "the Colossal Liar of Racine."
Mayor Pushes Forward to Rebuild Rhodes Colossus


legal stranger said...

Brilliant parody to the Colossal of Rhodes !!!

TSE said...

It will be a "TOP TEN" City alright - its just that which categories it will fit have yet to be determined!

TSE said...

Dickert's future letter to City of Racine Residents - from Charles Hughes Smith - Of Two Minds:

Dear Resident:

As you may have read, the costs of fulfilling our pension and healthcare promises to our retired and current employees have soared. As a result, pensions, healthcare and the annual interest due on city bonds (money we borrowed in the past) now consume all tax revenues.

Without additional funding, we will have to lay off all current employees and close City Hall, the libraries, the fire and police departments, parks and recreation, and the rest of the city departments.

To avoid this, we are asking you to approve increases in fees for use and the sale of new bonds to raise desperately needed funding.

The proposed fees for use:

1. A 50% annual increase in city garbage collection fees for the next decade, after which we anticipate an annual increase of 45% until 2096.

2. Building permits for any project under $5,000 will cost a minimum of $5,000. Fees for larger projects will start at $10,000 and rise on a sliding scale based on the value of the project.

3. Homeowners and contractors caught attempting to evade the building permit process will be fined a minimum of $5,000 or 200% of the estimated cost of their project, whichever is higher.

4. All street parking in the city will require an annual parking permit of $1,200 per vehicle per year.

5. Day use of all city parks will now cost $10 per family per day. Reserving BBQ grills and tables will cost $100.

6. Internet and wifi service in the city will be taxed $1,000 annually per household.

7. Residents will be taxed $100 each annually, payable on the first of January, for consuming the city's air.

8. Parking violations will be increased from $35 per violation to $500 per violation.

9. Asking city staff for information about city regulations will cost $10, payable before the question is asked.

10. All residents will pay a sidewalk usage fee of $100 annually.

11. A hotel tax of 100% of the cost the room will be imposed from January 1, 2016, including private AirBnB rentals of rooms and apartments.

12. Every home-based business must obtain a city business license annually for a sliding-scale fee that starts at $1,000. Anyone caught evading this tax will be jailed as a financial terrorist bent on depriving city employees of their livelihoods.

Residents who cannot afford the new fees can deed their homes to the city, and pay rent to live in the home they once owned.

Unfortunately, the new fees for use will only pay a fraction of the salaries of our employees and managers, and so we also need your approval of new bonds: .... MORE...

TSE said...

BOND A: $30 million to keep the libraries open for two years.

BOND B: $30 million to keep City Hall open for two years.

BOND C: $30 million to fill the gargantuan potholes in city streets for two years.

BOND D: $30 million to keep the city parks open for two years.

BOND E: $30 million to keep the city Public Affairs department funded for two years, so they can continue explaining why the city is broke and why it's such a great place to live.

BOND F: $30 million to hire retired employees pulling down $8,000 a month in pensions and benefits for $100,000 per year salaries as "consultants."

BOND G: $30 million to fund a public-relations campaign for two years extolling the city's "green initiatives" and selling the city's potential to global corporations.

BOND H: $30 million to fund tax breaks for global corporations that open an office in the city.

BOND I: $30 million to fund studies on how to raise more revenues from fees for use.

BOND J: $30 million to fund more appeals like this for increased fees for use and the issuance of more bonds to fund everyday city functions.

BOND K: $30 million to purchase a surplus M1 Abrams tank for crowd control and to root out financial terrorists depriving the city of the revenue it deserves.

With your support, the city managers expect revenues to cover expenses by 2096, assuming the city's functions have been fully automated and there are only 12 employees left managing the servers. Until then, please support our efforts to grow the city out of its budgetary hole.