Friday, August 7, 2015

"I go to the bookstore"

            I go to the bookstore.
He says what do you do all day.  “What do you do all day?”  I curl my fingers so that they touch the tip of my thumb, and I move my hand up and down.  Why don’t you paint my store he says.  “Paint your store?”  I’m not a painter.  I’m a landscaper, or a writer, or something.  All painters are drunks.  I am a drunk, but I haven’t had a drink for over nine years.  Nine years, 2 months, 23 days, thirteen hours . . . tick-tick-tick.  Paint your store?  Why don’t you?  Why is somebody always trying to find something for me to do, something that they think I should do, usually for them?  Why don’t I think about what other people should do?
            Because I don’t care.
            Because they are already lost.
            Because we’re all going to die.
            I go to the bookstore.  The first time in months.  Maybe years.  I read more when I was drunk.  Wrote more, too.  Today, the TV terrorizes me.  Traffic terrorizes me.  The massive swarms of ugly us all over the place terrorize me.  ALL THE FUCKING COMMERCIALS JUST YELL AND YELL AND SCREAM AND YELL!  Apparently we are in need of frenzy; apparently we must have constant stimulation.  Apparently lights quick bug shout jump lights yell back forth up yell yell yell bang bang lights here now quick here now now yell. 
            I don’t buy it.  Literally.
            Take acid, if that’s what you want, I mean it, take LSD you pussies, or shut the fuck up.  Take acid all the time, anytime, every time, or shut up.            
I go to the bookstore because I’ve been given a gift certificate for my birthday.  51.  Thank God.  The older I get, the less I care about things.  The less I care about the lies.  It is all lies.  Language is thought, language is love, language is all we got.  All we got is lies.  Not only is it impossible to tell what the truth is anymore, it is impossible to tell what the language is.  It is impossible to tell the truth with the language.  The lies are now built-in.  They are standard equipment.  No truth option available.
I go to the bookstore.

7/23/2002 – edit 04-14-08

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