I hate being mentally ill. I hate being poor. I hate my life. I hate myself.
My God is not an all-loving God. That's pretty obvious. He's petty and vengeful. An all-good, all-loving, all powerful Being wouldn't allow the suffering in this world. If you could stop the suffering of someone you love with a snap of the fingers, why wouldn't you help? Would an all-loving God condemn trillions of souls to hell just because some woman took a bite of an apple millennia ago?
God seems to enjoy violence and war and torture. At worst, He fights against us. At best, He doesn't give a shit about us.
In AA, a "personal" God is recommended. I don't want to get personal with someone who allows such pain and suffering.
Don't get me wrong; I pray to God every day, many times a day. There's nothing else I can do. Ever since I was a kid praying that my parents would stop drinking and fighting, no good has come of it. Sometimes I think that God is so big and so powerful, he can't hear us. We're like cockroaches attempting to talk to a human. We don't understand them, and I doubt if He understands or cares about us.
My God is not Santa Claus. He doesn't reward you when you do well. He's a monstrous taskmaster, heaping more and more pain on the poor, the disaffected, and the powerless.
Don't talk to me about God and free will. Very little that has happened to me in this life is something that I would "freely" choose. God rams shit down our throats. He doesn't seem interested in peace and love, only more blood and suffering.
I'll continue to pray to Him, I'll continue to do "good," but I expect nothing to happen or change. Liars, thieves, and murderers still rule the world.