Saturday, December 26, 2015

JM - 14

"Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas."  That's all I've heard the past few days.

I got up yesterday, around three o'clock.   I went on a mission to find some Coca-Cola.  Walmart had it on sale for $1 for a 2-liter bottle.  Ha!  Even Walmart was closed.  I finally went to a gas station and got a 2-liter for $2.

I went home, ate some potatoes, and went back to bed around 6 PM.  I got up to take my meds, to pee, etc., but I didn't "officially " get up today until 1PM.  That's 19 hours sleeping, a personal best for me.   That's how I deal with my depression: I sleep.  Yesterday, the loneliness finally got to me.

The JTI is composed of friends and we sometimes refer to ourselves as a "family," but nothing can replace real relatives.  All of my family is gone.  Sometimes it gets very hard to go on without them.  Often, I think of joining them.

So what's better?  Feeling sorry for myself or sleeping?  So, I try to sleep.  I ask whatever God there is to take me in my sleep, but I always wake up to this reality.  I swear I don't belong here.  This is not my world and I've known that for over 60 years.  I don't understand how society works,  As a child, I thought everyone else was literally  an "alien."  I don't feel much different now.

I've been sorely tested recently with a desire for a bottle of bourbon, or anything that will numb me.  I know some drug dealers, but I don't have the money.  The shingles still burn daily.  That gabapentin can fuck you up and I took some extra the other day to see what happens.  It gave me a strong memory of eating at a small, blue table near a window, in "my" apartment.  I've never had a small, blue table, and the apartment was my "style."  Down to the bricks for walls.  I also felt stupid and had difficulty with minor, daily tasks, like operating a fork.  And my shingles still hurt.

Anyway, none of this shit matters.  If it did, something would be done about it.  I don't matter, either.  This has been reinforced thousands of times.

I'm going to eat some potatoes now and I figure I'll be back in bed soon, unless something interesting happens online, but it won't.

"Happy New Year, Happy New Year, Happy New Year."


Anonymous said...

I dunno - maybe you could come up with some depressing motifs to put on merchandise and sell it - to make some $$$. Think about it - didn't a pet rock make someone millions. Americans are so stupid they will buy anything.

Here is Zazzle to get you started:

This dude is probably raking in big $$$$ selling crap to stupid, fat Americans!

"Fill up your cart at Bad Idea T-Shirts with our best promotion ever!

Look around: There’s no shortage of bad ideas. The headlines are full of them. Which gives people like us endless tshirt fodder. Congress makes a bonehead move? It won’t go unnoticed by us. Texters come up some new lingo? FWIW, we’ll be on top of it. If it’s hip or flip, hep and happening, we have it on a tshirt!."

How about merchandise with catchy phrases and hip designs under I HATE MYSELF.COM? I'm fucking serious. Have a go at it -

Anonymous said...

Here ya go:

"Making a glass of Coke at home will soon be possible, if you don't mind paying more than $300 for a machine that sits on your kitchen countertop. Plus an extra dollar or so per drink.

Keurig Green Mountain says it will start selling a machine Tuesday that makes single servings of cold beverages including Coke, Sprite, Dr. Pepper and flavored seltzer waters. The machine is similar in concept to Keurig's brewers, which let people make cups of coffee and tea by inserting a pod into the machine and pressing a button."

OR - make it yourself!!!

How To Make Cola Syrup :


I remember drinking "GREEN RIVERS" at Ronscholdt's (sp?) in West Racine - as a kid - I think that was coke without the caramel coloring - the soda was green. They mixed it there. There was also another drugstore - which later became Haag's Pharmacy in West Racine which had a soda fountain in the basement -

Switching to coffee might be a good idea - all the caffeine WITHOUT the corn syrup! And that corn syrup is made from GMO corn - which is fucking with your body....

Anonymous said...

Coca-Cola paying diet experts to counter obesity claims? I'm not surprised - what I saw there horrified me

Anonymous said...

Not to make anybody feel worse, nor better for that matter.
The best substitute for real family is real friends.
Not all friends have the help financially, but can help in other ways.
Conspiracies abound everywhere, including the food we eat and the drinks we drink.
Our government, government leaders and big business continue to destroy any efforts of making this world any better.
Yeah,.... Happy New Year

OrbsCorbs said...

I think it's the sugar/corn syrup I'm addicted to more than the caffeine. I have a coffee maker and occasionally make coffee, but it's hard on my stomach. What I like is coffee with half and half in it. That way, I'll drink two entire pots of coffee and get totally weirded out.

It doesn't have to be Coca-Cola. I'm drinking any type of cola. Walmart has a generic brand that's even cheaper than Sam's Cola. It's just called Cola and costs 68 cents for a two-liter. I avoid Piggly-Wiggly's generic cola. It tastes like shit.

It's because Walmart has had Coke on sale that I headed that way on Christmas Day, but they were closed. The gas station and convenience store only had Coke, no generics.

When Walmart puts Coke on sale, it goes fast. The other day, they were sold out of regular Coke, but all the other varieties (like Diet Coke) were also on sale. I bought Caffeine Free Coke and never noticed the difference.

Dear Anonymous: I agree with you. Last week, my friend the watercolor artist unexpectedly brought me a 7 pound ham, potatoes and other veggies. He said, "I couldn't bear the thought of you with nothing to eat on Christmas." This brought me to tears.

There are friends, and then there are friends. So late in life I'm learning these things. Some of my acquaintances/friends I see only at JTI gatherings. Interestingly, the man who has helped me the most is despised by most of the JTI. He has done so much for me I can't even remember it all. He took me to see my low vision specialist in Cedarburg twice. He helped me clean out my apartment and then move. He has given me furniture. My mom's funeral was held at a strange time: early Christmas Eve. We didn't expect many people and there weren't. But at one point during the proceedings, I looked back, and my friend was standing there. From everything I know and my gut instinct, that is a friend. Others criticize him, but I say nothing. I don't want to get into any more fights or arguments.
Some things are self-evident and I don't think anyone would put that much effort into helping me unless he was a friend. He's always there for me. I feel like I can call him at anytime. He lives in another county, so he isn't instantly available, but he's given me some good advice and is willing to come here if I asked it.

PS, I might be selling a watercolor by John from my personal collection. If I do, I'll let the JTI's have first crack at it. It's only going to go up in value.

OrbsCorbs said...

Just to let you know, I know another artist who I think is more talented than John. He does amazing work in all media. I went to a show in Kenosha years ago that featured his art only. Over the years, I've told people to buy one of his pieces of art as an investment. This guy could go national, but he's stuck at home, taking care of his sick mother. Jesus, how many people do I know like that? John took care of his mom til she died. I did the same. I know kk did it.

I don't have any art by this man because he's not a personal friend. I can't afford it, but if I could, I'd by some. I know others who have.

Anonymous said...

If you have the rash, try rubbing some Vicks Vaporub on it. Supposed to help with shingles rash. Good luck.

OrbsCorbs said...

Really? I would think that Vaporub would burn. Anyway, I'm way past the rash stage. I have a couple of sores left, but my big problem now is shooting pains in my armpit and back. They really, really hurt and sometime I jump up and/or yell out when they hit. Old age is about as much fun as shoveling shit. I KNOW that some of this neuropathy will be with me until I die.

The stuff just keeps piling up: arthritis in both hips, circulation problems in my left hip and leg, half-blind, weak all the time since my kidney failure, bladder spasms, back problems, and on and on and on. I walk around feeling like a wounded soldier, but I don't remember the war.

Anonymous said...

So many wars at so many fronts.
To understand how a wounded soldier feels is only the beginning.
To heal is the ending.
Then you can begin living again.
So long 2015, it has been a challenge, but we survived.
To a better New Year.