"Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas." That's all I've heard the past few days.
I got up yesterday, around three o'clock. I went on a mission to find some Coca-Cola. Walmart had it on sale for $1 for a 2-liter bottle. Ha! Even Walmart was closed. I finally went to a gas station and got a 2-liter for $2.
I went home, ate some potatoes, and went back to bed around 6 PM. I got up to take my meds, to pee, etc., but I didn't "officially " get up today until 1PM. That's 19 hours sleeping, a personal best for me. That's how I deal with my depression: I sleep. Yesterday, the loneliness finally got to me.
The JTI is composed of friends and we sometimes refer to ourselves as a "family," but nothing can replace real relatives. All of my family is gone. Sometimes it gets very hard to go on without them. Often, I think of joining them.
So what's better? Feeling sorry for myself or sleeping? So, I try to sleep. I ask whatever God there is to take me in my sleep, but I always wake up to this reality. I swear I don't belong here. This is not my world and I've known that for over 60 years. I don't understand how society works, As a child, I thought everyone else was literally an "alien." I don't feel much different now.
I've been sorely tested recently with a desire for a bottle of bourbon, or anything that will numb me. I know some drug dealers, but I don't have the money. The shingles still burn daily. That gabapentin can fuck you up and I took some extra the other day to see what happens. It gave me a strong memory of eating at a small, blue table near a window, in "my" apartment. I've never had a small, blue table, and the apartment was my "style." Down to the bricks for walls. I also felt stupid and had difficulty with minor, daily tasks, like operating a fork. And my shingles still hurt.
Anyway, none of this shit matters. If it did, something would be done about it. I don't matter, either. This has been reinforced thousands of times.
I'm going to eat some potatoes now and I figure I'll be back in bed soon, unless something interesting happens online, but it won't.
"Happy New Year, Happy New Year, Happy New Year."