Friday, January 1, 2016

JM - 15

Why did the men who fucked my wife when I was still married to her feel compelled to inform me? I'd think they wouldn't want to tell me, or in any way let me know. However, quite the opposite was true. While still drinking, I'd meet men in bars who wanted to tell me all about it. Same thing in recovery. After I sobered up, I'd meet these men in AA meetings. What possible purpose was there other than to hurt me as deeply as possible? I used to get invited to her birthday parties, but never attended because I didn't want to meet these guys again. Was I invited so they could laugh at or mock me?

I have a very good friend who likes female companionship and has a lot of girlfriends. However, he told me once that he wouldn't mess with married women. The reason for that is because once, in a shopping center parking lot, he was sitting in his truck with a married woman. He said another truck pulled up alongside. It was her husband, and he just stared at them for awhile and then drove off. He drove to a railroad crossing and parked on it as a train arrived.

I didn't kill myself over this shit, but I didn't track these guys down and put a hole in their heads, either. When I feel like I do today, I could do it easily. I wouldn't worry about legal repercussions because I would off myself, or suicide by cop.

I've never had a dream like this morning. I was thrown out of bed by my own sobbing. 25 years later and I'm still tormented. I want so badly to stick a barrel in each of those assholes' mouths and pull the trigger. What gave them the right to fuck with my marriage, to shake it to its core? Even after we were no longer living together, my wife's boyfriends would seek me out to give me the lurid details. Maybe she told them to.

One time, she called me to come over to her apartment. I got there and we were talking about mostly nothing and I kept wondering why she wanted me there. When I told her I had to go, the reason rose forth: she told me that she'd slept with my best friend recently. I was completely overcome by my emotions. First off, if she was going to sleep with other men, I'd prefer her to sleep with my best friend because he was my best friend and not a piece of shit she bumped into. Second, I was deeply wounded. Not by her fucking my pal, but by her desire to hurt me so badly that she'd sleep with him.

Sometimes, sometimes when I haven't had ****** in weeks, I think of getting drunk and putting those assholes in their graves, then taking myself down. I don't have a fucking thing to lose.

So watch out. My show might be coming to your neighborhood soon. Then you can join the chorus of people saying, "Well, yes, I read it, but I never thought he'd go through with it." 

Every year. every month, each day, give me less and less reason to stay in this world.   

13 comments:

jeff hayes said...

Yeowser, where you going with this?

OrbsCorbs said...

To the grave.

OrbsCorbs said...

I once asked her how would she feel if I started screwing other women. Her response was that I'm not emotionally mature enough to do it, but she was. (What a swollen ego.) I can think of at lest three occasions when she thought I was being too friendly to a woman or vice-versa, and she would swoop down immediately to put a stop to that nonsense, yet I was expected to suffer through her infidelity in silence. That's some real sick shit right there: "I can play, but you can't." God, there was one girl who was the younger sister of a girl I went to school with. We worked at the same place and she definitely was interested in me and she was gorgeous. Of course, like an idiot, I mentioned this girl to my wife. My wife then showed up at a few of our lunch hours to make sure everyone knew that I was her property.

All that bullshit about honesty between husband and wife is just that: bullshit. I was always open with her, but she didn't return the courtesy.

The real problem here is me and not her. Even before we were married, I knew of her screwing another guy. But love is blind. All I could see was her, and not the line of sexual partners behind her. She proposed to me, and if I knew then what I know now, I would have run for the hills. When you're in love, you don't want to see the little giveaways of infidelity. We were in love. I loved her. And she loved me. That's all there was to it. Ha! Unfortunately, there was a lot more to it. I just didn't see it or want to see it.

OrbsCorbs said...

I'll never be in a relationship with another woman. I'm extremely socially inept and don't know what the cues for what are. I would never know if she was lying, and I could never survive a break-up like the last one. So I shut down that part of my personality. It was the only way to survive.

I'm only pieces of a man. What booze and drugs didn't take away from me. she did. This is no joke or exaggeration. AA's usually die young because of the damage done while they were drinking.

Anonymous said...

You can't turn a whore into a housewife....

Here, these will help you to understand and then either accept, or overcome the ineptness. There is also NOTHING wrong with MGTOW - I just can't put up with a bitches shit - and after I turned 30 I quit women - and the couple of exceptions I made afterwards only reinforced my desire to go my own way....

The Masculine Principle

The Sixteen Commandments Of Poon

As for the notion that NAWALT - Not All Women Are Like That - disabuse yourself of that notion - female hyper-gamy is built in - I thought of a former girlfriend as being one who wouldn't cheat - and she didn't - at least not on me - but when I ran into her again after many years later while she was married with 3 kids, she suggested we have an affair, told me she was having rape fantasies, and fondly remembered the night of extra nasty lust we shared at the Bluebird Motel (on Durand Ave.) - when I brought up the fact that she was married she said, "OH, him?" *WHOA* *WHOA* *WHOA*

Hypergamy Doesn’t Care

The female who becomes agitated and pretends to be bothered by the male gaze is very busily deflecting and distracting your attention away from a much darker and significant point she would strongly prefer you were not aware of – and would rather not discuss: her own “hypergamy”. Her instinctual desire to discard her current mate with no feeling or remorse when the opportunity arises to latch onto a subsequent mate of higher status due to the hindbrain impetus to find a male with the best ability to provide for HER OWN offspring (already spawned or yet-to-be spawned) regardless of investments and commitments made to her current mate.

You.

She is hardwired for this. By nature. The last 4 years don’t matter. Whether you paid admission for 4 to Disney World – when the kids weren’t even yours – won’t matter. That you funded her dubious flirtation with returning to school for a useless degree doesn’t matter. That you work 70 hours to earn 6 figures with marketable skills beyond knocking a ball around won’t matter. Even if you are obese and have the face to stop a clock, your $181 Million dollar lottery win makes all the difference. It doesn’t matter WHO you are… it only matters WHAT you are.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Those guys telling you they fucked your wife were doing you a favor - informing you what a worthless slut she was - it's too bad you can't disconnect from the worthless whore.

OrbsCorbs said...

A line from a song on U2's Achtung Baby! reads,
"I gave you everything you ever wanted;
It wasn't what you wanted."

When I repeated those lines to ny ex-wife, she said, "Now you're getting it."

jeff hayes said...

It's deep with this topic.
How about a different way to look at the past.
Relationships become lifelong memories, to which we learn to adjust for future encounters.
It is often not easy to move on with your feelings, but to survive AND thrive you must learn to move on as an art, so as you go on in your life you hone your skills.
Some of the greatest writers in the world do their best work alone.

That's all.

OrbsCorbs said...

Thank you for your comments, jeff hayes. It's a day later and I'm not so sore on the subject mater. What happened yesterday is that I had a terrible nightmare. In terms of emotional impact, this was the worst dream I ever had. I woke up sobbing and thinking I was back in Chicago. It's like I took a 25-year trip in a time machine. With all the fucking psych meds I'm on, it took me awhile to figure out what was going on. Essentially, I re-lived the breakup of my marriage in Chicago. It put me in a bad spot. Legal stranger stopped by and took me to lunch and that helped tremendously. We didn't even talk about my dream. He knows the story already. I was lucky that I had human contact.

This is the way I'm wired on relationships: If I get in one, I give it everything I have. And if it gets serious, I give my heart to the other. I don't do one night stands. I don't go out looking tp get laid. If I'm making love to someone, then I'm in love with her. And that, to me, is a very serious commitment.

Again, I'm not saying that's the right or wrong way to do things, it's just how I'm wired. I tried hard to change my feelings until I got into AA where I took a personal inventory, made amends, etc. AA taught me the true meaning of the Serenity Prayer. You need to find out what you can take and what you can't. One old timer who was a locksmith and a gun collector said it clearly: what can you live with? He said, I may rob a bank and that falls within my comfort zone, but maybe it doesn't fall within yours. So then don't rob banks. It's all a matter of finding out who you are. I don't rob banks. Indeed, I found out that I believe in and live most laws. There are some gray areas, but basically I'm John Q. Public.

I like writing, but I have no aspirations to be a "great" writer. It's too late in my life. You need to work that shit for years before you can hone it down to a place for yourself. It's no different from any other art: musicians and painters have to practice for years to get good enough to be recognized for their talents.

I just write because it's in me. It's part of that personal inventory. Find out who you are: I love writing. So it's what I do and what I am. But I have no expectation of being classified with the "big shots" in literature. I have to write what I know, and often what I know is too perverse for a regular audience. That's why I started this blog, so I could say what was in me without constraints or concerns for others.

You can post anything here as long as it's not illegal. I don't track IPs or even look at the blog's statistics. I don't care. This blog is for me. If someone else wants to make a comment, feel free to do so. If you feel that you have a lot to say and nowhere to say it, become an author on this site. Again, I'll accept anyone. Legal stranger was surprised yesterday when he asked me about OrbsCorbs.com's statistics and I said, "Hell if I know." This blog isn't about getting hits or generating revenue for anyone but me; i.e., the Donate button. I've never received a donation other than months ago when a friend wanted to send me some money and I told him the donate button was the quickest way to go. I don't care if nobody donates. I will write what my heart tells me to write in any case.

Again, thank you for your comments, jeff hayes. My mentor, Irish poet James Liddy, once said to me that I write better when I'm "bent toward hell." Well, it's been that way for 25 years. I got a lot of writing to do.

Anonymous said...

"I gave you everything you ever wanted;
It wasn't what you wanted."

When I repeated those lines to ny ex-wife, she said, "Now you're getting it."


Which leads to societal confusion and it( Women's "liberation") is probably a large factor in the increasing numbers of homosexual life.

When WHAM! produced "Everything She Wants", George Michael was still in the closet - oh how he must have laughed at the young women lined up who wanted him and gave him THEIR money to see his performances and his music.

Oh yeah
Work

Somebody told me
"Boy, everything she wants is everything she sees"
I guess I must have loved you
'Cause I said you were the perfect girl for me, baby

But now we're six months older
And everything you want and everything you see
Is out of reach, not good enough
I don't know what the hell you want from me but boy

Somebody tell me, won't you tell me
Why I work so hard for you?
Give you money
All to give you money

Some people work for a living
Some people work for fun, girl, I just work for you
They told me marriage was a give and take
Well, show me you can take you've got some giving to do

And now you tell me that you're having my baby
I'll tell you that I'm happy if you want me to
But one step further and my back will break
If my best isn't good enough
Than how can it be good enough for two?
I can't work any harder than I do

Somebody tell me, won't you tell me?
Why I work so hard for you?
Give you money
All to give you money

Why do I do the things I do? I'd tell you if I knew
My God, I don't even think that I love you

Won't you tell me?
Give you money
All to give you money

Somebody tell me, won't you tell me?
Why I work so hard for you?
Give you money
All to give you money



Yeah, she wants money and material possessions - but she needs more - and that is a strong Alpha Male who guides and instructs her - keeps her hypergamy in check - and of course, "And now you tell me that you're having my baby" - but you better get that child genetically tested, because in all likelihood, it's not yours! But you'll pay to raise it!

Continued....

Anonymous said...

On his own George Michael released the gay anthem, "Father Figure", which went over the heads of his overt female audience, but wasn't misunderstood by his large gay following:

That's All I Wanted
Something special, something sacred -
In your eyes
For just one moment
To be bold and naked
At your side

Sometimes i think that you'll never
Understand me
Maybe this time is forever..
Say it can be

That's all you wanted
Something special, someone sacred -
In your life
Just for one moment
To be warm and naked
At my side

Sometimes i think that you'll never
Understand me
But something tells me together
We'd be happy

(baby)
I will be your father figure
(oh baby)
Put your tiny hand in mine
(i'd love to)
I will be your preacher teacher
(be your daddy)
Anything you have in mind
(it would make me)
I will be your father figure
(very happy)
I have had enough of crime
(please let me)
I will be the one who loves you -
Until the end of time

That's all i wanted
But sometimes love can be mistaken
For a crime
That'sail i wanted
Just to see my baby's
Blue eyed shine
This time i think that my lover
Understands me
If we have faith in each other
Then we can be
Strong


In the video for "Father Figure" one must wonder - is the taxi customer picked up by George Michael a Woman - OR a Man? From the various angles and shots - it certainly appears to be androgynous at best -

Get confused baby! 8 Stunningly Beautiful Androgynous Models:
New York Fashion Week is off and cat-walking, so we thought we’d give love to models who are turning gender expectations inside out.

Fag Nation is just another manifestation of Women's Liberation and the Crazee Kat Lady Club.

Anonymous said...

Link to Father Figure video:

Father Figure

And study George Michael's dress and accessories! There is nothing manly in that!

But sometimes love can be mistaken
For a crime


A veiled reference to homosexuality.



OrbsCorbs said...

Well, I'm not gay. Never had any inklings, either.

It's like I said earlier, I shut down that part of my personality. I'm not looking for a lover and/or mate. If I was, I can guarantee you that the women I selected, and vice-versa, would be the worst one for me. GUARANTEED. I'm attracted to nut jobs and/or active alcoholics and/or drug addicts. The damaged are most comfortable with other damaged people. It's not worth the effort. They should legalize prostitution.

As I get older and more body parts fail me, I've given passing thought to care-giving. I never expected to live this long. Seriously. If this shit keeps up (staying alive), I'll probably need help in some areas.

Do you know how many AA funerals I've been to? (AAs appear to prefer Maresh-Meredith Funeral Home.) And how many I've missed. We usually die 'young' and not so good-looking.

So, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. If I was a betting man, I'd bet on a heart attack. I haven't had chest pains or any other symptoms, but it just makes sense. Unless you can die from arthritic hip pains and shooting pains in the armpit and back (shingles).

nicole sweely said...

It has been believed by preachers that women, if not kept and guided by others, would do all sorts of horrible things. It was eve who wanted to satisfy her curiosity and allowed herself to be tricked. As a pumishent, womens roles are to be submissive and obedient. During the women's liberation when women fought to claim independence to work and vote, preachers spoke out and said the drive in women to claim their independence is the sinfulness manifest in them to dominate over men. They also said that same drive is the cause of many Marital issues, because women want to rebel against their God given nature's and act out, vying for dominance. Men have the same problems but it comes out through abuse to the famiy to get them to submit, where as in women it shows more through the embrace of her environment as a means of spiting others.
I'm glad women can work and vote now, and if only because some women would have no other way to support themselves or families if we couldnt.

As for sinful nature we can't deny the pattern, but I don't believe, as one person said above, that every woman would cheat if given the chance.
Not every woman has the same desires for sin, but every person struggles with some kind of it, to be certain.